It's all about me!

Today’s blog is a bit serious….which is not like me at all but it’s a one off…..HONEST!! following my disastrous dating blog, I make reference to dying and have been asked questions so thought I would try to explain.

On 25^th September 2009, during a major operation I died……I know, I know…what a drama queen…..thankfully the amazing team in the operating theatre revived me. I was ‘dead’ for 2 minutes. I didn’t see any while lights, my life didn’t flash before my eyes and there was no sign of Elvis, or any pearly gates.

In short I had suffered from Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (SADS)

Sudden Adult Death Syndrome events are defined as non-traumatic, non-violent, unexpected occurrences resulting from cardiac arrest within as little as six hours of previously witnessed normal health

You may recall that following the death of Stephen Gately it was thought that this is what had happened to him, more recently on 20/2/12 son of former Saints coach Ian Millward died from it

About 1 in 20 cases of sudden cardiac death, no definite cause of death can be found.

A death is described as sudden when it occurs unexpectedly, spontaneously and/or even dramatically. Some will be unwitnessed; some may occur during sleep or during or just after exercise. Most sudden deaths are due to a heart condition and are then called sudden cardiac death (SCD). Up to 95 in every 100 sudden cardiac deaths are due to disease that causes abnormality of the structure of the heart. The actual mechanism of death is most commonly a serious disturbance of the heart’s rhythm known as a ‘ventricular arrhythmia’(a disturbance in the heart rhythm in the ventricles) or ‘ventricular tachycardia’(a rapid heart rate in the ventricles). This can disrupt the ability of the ventricles to pump blood effectively to the body and can cause a loss of all blood pressure. This is known as a cardiac arrest. If this problem is not resolved in about two minutes, and if no-one is available to begin resuscitation, the brain and heart become significantly damaged and death follows quickly.

What this proves it was very lucky that I decided to ‘die’ during an operation. That said I was terrified of having the operation as my mum who many years before had, had the same operation developed complications and later died, so I still maintain that I had scared myself to death!

I am blessed that with medication I now live a very normal life…..actually me and normal is the same sentence…..mmmmmmm, well as normal as a crazy person like me can be!

You will understand why when I was in Malta last summer and contracted a virus this caused my doctors and consultants real concern, as I ended up with encephalitis (swelling to the brain) and an irregular heartbeat. I think I am determined to kill myself but clearly heaven is just not ready for someone like me  and let’s be honest i’m not ready for heaven…..I have loads more crap blogs to write, lots of tweets to bore everyone with, facebook status’ to update, much more poker to play, more awful dates to go on, more Russian stalkers to attract (see an older blog post about him)….blah…blah….blah…

So hopefully this goes some way to explain one of the things that’s wrong with me!!!!!! so I guess I should issue an apology at this stage and say I think you are all stuck with me for a while longer and as always I will share the rollercoater that is my life with you all…..you’ve been warned!

So it’s been a few weeks since I decided to boldly dip my toe in the dating pool……so thought I would do an update to let you all know how it’s been. Given that I have been out of the ‘game’ for a while I can actually describe it in one word DISASTROUS. So much so I am going to give up!!

I met someone who I will not name and went on some dates, I had daily contact with him for a while as he was away with work, text messages/twitter DM’s would often go on for hours. To be honest I like him, he’s fun to be with and a really nice guy, his job means he is here, there and everywhere, he was interesting and had some great qualities. We talked about things we wanted to do and in fact had agreed to do sailing lessons together, however, in terms of ‘dating’ we just wanted different things. We are still in touch and maybe will remain friends, actually I hope we will. In fact he would make a good friend with benefits but I can’t broach that subject!! This man is the oldest man that I have been out for a very long time but he was still younger than me, he is 41.

So then I went out on a night out with the ‘boys’ - dress to impress they said as the plan was to paint the town red……..well my outfit of a gold leather mini skirt, black corset and knee length boots seemed to do the trick as I got asked out….as I was testing the waters I said yes instead of my usual ‘lie’ that I had a boyfriend. So date 1, he takes me to a Gordon Ramsey restaurant in Maida Vale and then we sampled a couple of local pubs……He is a trader, really nice, although fun to be with, no awkward silences, there was really no spark. In fact when I went to the loo I was even tweeting!  

When he asked me out again I knew I should have said no, but decided that perhaps should give him a chance…..MISTAKE, so stupidly I  ignored my gut and agreed to date 2….. this time he took me to the Hilton in Park Lane where we had drinks in the champagne bar, and ate at Trader Vics. Again really nice evening, he was attentive, looked great, but all I could think of was that I had missed a training session at the gym……not quite the thoughts one should be having on a date!

When he asked me out for date 3 I did what I should have done after date 1 and said NO! I made up some excuse, I feel really bad but there was no point in prolonging it.  This man was 38

The one thing that the two of them had in common was both drove Range Rover Sports, although the trader did turn up for date 2 in a Maserati.

Don’t get me wrong I like the attention when you meet someone new, it’s great when you get nice messages etc.

I tell my friends that there is something wrong with me and that at 47 I am destined to be on my own with the two ninja’s! However, it seems that friends see it differently.  They say that because James died so suddenly that I had no closure, I didn’t get to say goodbye, and in the 2 ½ years since he died I have put him on a pedestal, and in my head have built him up to be Mr Perfect, they say how can anyone possibly measure up to that…..this gave me real pause for thought.  Were they correct?  I think they probably are, can I name one bad habit he had….No, can I think of one fault…..No, he was the tall, dark and handsome man described in romance novels.  I remember once walking through Knightsbridge with him and him being stopped by a scout for a modelling agency. 

For those followers who bother to read this, who don’t know about James…he was Maltese, was a commercial diver, owned some bars, had a diving school and was an all round great guy.  We had been friends for two years and in August 2009 I was in Malta…nothing new there!!  On my birthday he called me to invite me out for dinner, as he walked into the hotel lobby for the first time my heart flipped, I had butterflies in my stomach, I realised in a split second that I fancied him.  He was dressed in a pair of white linen trousers with a white linen shirt but looked amazing.  I kept telling myself to act normal….but I became tongue-tied and clearly wasn’t acting normal as he kept asking me what was wrong!! Anyway long story short he takes me back to the hotel, we have drinks in the bar and as we were getting ready to say goodbye……he told me that he had liked me for the last two years and couldn’t let me fly home without tellingme, we were both single and he wanted us to be together……my head said, it would never work, my heart said go for it!  We flew back and forwards to see each other and in Sept I had a major op.  I died for 2 minutes during that op, James asked me to marry him during my recovery, in the Feb I was going to move to Malta to be with him…….In December, 4 months after we started dating, I got a call from James’ brother when I was at work telling me to get to Malta as soon as possible.  Basically James had collapsed and been taken to hospital.  His brother Mark is a Dr so knew it was serious,  James had suffered a bleed to the brain.(one of the dangers of being a diver)  To this day I will always be grateful to Air Malta for getting me on the plane and grateful for the fact that I live so close to Paddington St so could jump on the Heathrow Express and be at the airport in 15 minutes.  The 2hour 45 minutes flight was the longest ever, when I arrived at the hospital James had just come out of surgery, we were told that he was incredibly poorly and the next few hours were critical.  Within the hour he was rushed back into theatre but they couldn’t save him.  So as you can see no closure. 

So after all of this, I think friends are right, I had no closure and perhaps I haven’t finished the grieving process.  I really don’t think there is a man out there for me but I have a good life, have great friends and family and two gorgeous kittens……what more do I need?!

My toe is now firmly out of the ‘dating pool’

So last week I announced that I was ready to dip my toe in the dating pool, seriously what was I thinking? I hate dating, I’m crap at it! And at 47 think  I am far too old for it. 

Apparently dating is one of the toughest things we do in life. This already scares me! According to my research (I use this term in its loosest sense) Women usually date with the expectation of finding the man of their dreams. A woman goes on the first date and believes that this truly may be her last first date.  Statistics show that 54% of UK women buy a new outfit on a first date, and 15% even get a bikini wax.

My ‘in depth’ research says that women want so badly to fall in love that they sometimes overlook bad qualities because they are so blinded by the fascination of love. Many women it seems want the romance and happy endings as seen in a movie or within the pages of a mills and boon novel!  Real life is not like this and then there is me!

Firstly despite exes, friends and family telling me otherwise I honestly believe that there is not a man out there who can put up with me, I’m not high maintenance, far from it but at my age I am a woman who knows what I want and unlike some women cannot overlook bad qualities.  As the saying goes I would rather be unhappy alone than be unhappy with someone.

In my professional life I am astute and my gut instinct never lets me down, I once handed in my resignation after the firm was on the verge of hiring a particular person who I instantly disliked and didn’t trust, it later turned out that he had lied on his CV and my impression of him was right.  However, when it comes to men……I never listen to my gut and have ended up in situations that I haven’t wanted to be in.

My continued ‘research’ states that there are so many men that are only out for one thing that it can sometimes be hard to sift through all of the scum. Some men are great actors and put on amazing fronts to gain a woman’s trust. They may date you for a long time filling your head with false hopes and dreams of a future. These men think of women as quests instead of people. They can somehow separate themselves from having feelings about the woman. They see the woman as an object or prize not as a person. Jeez…..really? are men really this manipulative? Would love to hear from my twitter followers on this one! 

Interestingly the Daily Star has today published the results of a survey conducted by store Austin Reed that list 30 things a woman wants in a man……lets see what you think about that

1.    Six foot tall – I think this is because it makes us feel safe when he holds us

2.    Muscly toned and athletic – I’m fickle and confess I love this look, so sexy

3.    Brown eyes – to me eye colour isn’t important, what say you?

4.    Short dark hair – again not that important but I couldn’t date a man with long hair

5.    Smart dress sense – essential in my view

6.    Stylish – always a plus for me

7.    A beer or lager drinker – surprised at this….i like a man who appreciates wine

8.    A non smoker – as a non smoker myself this is a must for me

9.    Wears smart jeans, shirt and V-neck jumper – Really?!

10.  Gets ready in 17 minutes – does it matter?

11. Earns around £48,000 a year – it’s important that he is financially stable

12. Wants a family – at 47 this is a no for me!!!

13. Loves shopping – it helps but is it really that essential?

14. Eats meat – WTF?!

15. Watches soaps – again WTF!?!

16. Clean shaven – I love a clean shaven man but could tolerate designer stubble

17. Smooth chested – I’m a sucker for smooth J

18. Enjoys watching football – I want a man who likes lots of different sport

19. Drives an Audi – why an Audi?

20. Well – educated – is this really important?

21. Earns more than his partner – such an outdated concept in my view

22. Jokes around and has a laugh – very important i’d say

23. Sensitive when you are upset  - pours me wine and brings me chocolate would be more welcome!!

24. Tells you he loves you only when he means it –mmmmmmm!

25. Admits it when he looks at other women – well come on we do look at other men !!

26. Has a driving licence – is this really important?

27. Can swim – why?

28. Can ride a bike - again why?

29. Can change a tyre – why should it be the man that has to be able to change a tyre, can you change a tyre?

30. Rings his mother regularly – define regularly?!

I did a list a few years ago with my ex husband about what I wanted/ didn’t want in a  man, when reading it back I convinced myself I was a complete nutter and will always be single……my ex husband, however is convinced that when I meet ‘the one’ that none of it will matter. 

The last time I was in a conventional relationship, as in both living in the same country was back in 2007-2008.  It ended very badly! So this dating thingy really scares me.

What are the rules these days?

If I get asked out what is the etiquette for the date? I think ‘first dates’ are terrifyingbut most will agree, that the first date is the most interesting, either due to a great sense of compatibility or because the date was a complete disaster. Either way, the first date is always memorable. As it’s me you know there will be drama!!

I have to confess that I hate all the small talk, sharing simple details about our lives, I think finding someone you want to spend time with is such a tedious task,  I wonder whether there is a man out there that can fit into my busy life.  Or as my ex husband keeps reminding me, when I meet someone who piques my interest I will make room for them in my life. 

Someone I dated, who is one of my followers on twitter once said to me that he always felt that when we went out that he should bring his passport with him as he never knew what to expect or where we would end up……I am not sure this is a good thing. 

I wonder now that I have decided to ‘put myself out there’ how many frogs I will have to kiss before I meet my prince, if I ever do.  I think a perfect man doesn’t have to fit any particular category. He can be just an ordinary guy but make your heart begin to flutter simply because he fits right into your lifestyle. I guess the key is NOT trying to find my perfect man but instead dating until I  find a man that feels comfortable, natural and one that I have a connection with and then build the relationship from there.

I think the start for me is to get myself out there and test the waters. Try a few on for size and see which one fits naturally into my life……SIMPLES!!!!!

So back to the rules……

What are the rules of texting? If a man texts you, do you text back straight away? Are you meant to wait a certain amount of time?

When going out on a first date who pays? him because he asked you? Or do you go dutch? And what do you do…..? coffee? Quick drink?  

In the unlikely event I go for more than one date, how many dates do you go on before you sleep together?

What are the rules for staying the night?

When does it go from dating to a relationship?  How does that even happen?

For those of you in relationships/married…..please share your dating stories, how did you know that he/she was the one?

Where did you go on your first date?

seedstudio asked: Really? Anything?

???

As you know ill health has meant that I have not stepped foot in the gym. This week I decided that now I am better I need to shift the weight that I have piled on. Bed rest and lots of custard cream biscuits have miraculously made my waistline disappear and I now resemble the marshmallow man!

As it’s me you know that I won’t make it easy for myself, so off I went for a chat with personal trainer Jean Claude.  I have decided that I need a kick start to get my lazy fat ass into gear.  So it was with determination that I decided to sign up for the 8 week jeans challenge that they were running at the gym.  If you follow the regime then you will drop 2 sizes.  Of course you already know that this will not be a walk in the park.

The challenge begins on Monday 17^th October – 9^th December.  Each week I will do two 1-1 training sessions with a personal trainer, this will be either Jean Claude or Adam.  In addition to this I will do 2 sessions a week of circuit training.  This is not negotiable, you can do additional sessions but you cannot do less than the 4 sessions.

I think we can assume that I will spend the next 8 weeks in agony!  I do however have a lovely pair of Diesel jeans that I just have to get back into.

In addition to the exercise regime you have to start by following a very strict food plan for 21 days.  In essence the custard creams and all the naughty but nice foods/drinks that I love will become a thing of the past.  For the next 21 days I will basically be eating a fruits salad for breakfast, a chicken salad for lunch and my evening meal will be meat and veg.

My personal trainer has devised a program for me to follow and on Tuesday I went through the program with him for the first time.  In the hour it took to get through it, I had to take 4 timeouts as I thought I was going to be sick, in fact I did vomit after the session, this is not an attractive look!  Every time I said I couldn’t do another rep I was told to ‘Man the fuck up.’  Arnold Schwarzenegger once said that you haven’t trained hard enough if you don’t throw up!!! I guess I can at least say I trained properly!!

Working out with a trainer has advantages, they make sure you do push yourself and of course with the extra bullying/cajoling you actually find yourself doing the extra reps.  Two days later every muscle in my body is still screaming and as I tweeted the other day I wish I could pee standing up as just bending down to take a pee hurts! That said it’s a good pain…..a bit like getting a tattoo, it hurts but it’s a nice pain……. You know what I mean right?!?!

This of course does not bode well for how I am going to be feeling over the next 8 weeks. I point out that a sign in the gym says

NO MOANING

NO COMPLAINING

AND DEFINITELY

NO FROWNING

What I love about this place is that everyone is really focussed and the banter between everyone is good.  Everyone knows everyone and supports each other. 

I will blog my progress or lack of it as I go along and hopefully post a picture of me wearing the Diesel jeans at the end of this challenge.

I point out that this is just the beginning, once this challenge is complete I want to carry on and train harder than ever as by July next year I want to hopefully be in a position to be good enough to compete.

I warn you now that my tweets as I hit my pain threshold limit again and again may contain very strong language…..who am I kidding they will contain very strong language.

My many followers have given me such support during my ill health and I am truly grateful.  I am not sure how many of you will stick with me through the rollercoaster that is about to follow but I hope that with your encouragement that you will come along for the ride!

If you want to read more from the gym of this jeans challenge then go to W10 Performance.  They also do a blog…..which will not contain strong language!!

This weekend I will be dusting off the workout gear and eating a cheeky custard cream before the nightmare….I mean exciting challenge commences!

I hope I can do it! 

Dear All,

In all the time I have been on Twitter and Facebook, I have sponsored so many people and never asked anyone to get involved in anything I do, However, I now want to ask you to consider sponsoring this event.

I am volunteering to assist the Childrens Trust Charity on 30th September, it’s a 10 mile night walk around Central London. The link detailing the walk and more info on the Childrens Trust Charity is listed below.

http://www.thechildrenstrust.org.uk/shop.asp?section=1657&sectionTitle=Credit+Suisse+City+Sleepwalk&itemid=3760&itemtitle=Adult+registration+fee

Now as I am volunteering and not walking to raise funds, I am asking all of you to donate a small amount towards the charity.  Even a £1.00 will help.  I have just donated a £100.00 to the charity and if following this message I raise another £100.00 ( you can put my name in the box when donating) I will wear this on the walk. The amazing volunteers will let me know if I reach my goal.This is a charity that I am passionate about.  Thank you so much x x x x x x